Words and Music by Robbie Hart

I've never been one for conflict.

Usually, when I get upset or angry, I spout off at the mouth. Mostly shouting - anyone who knows me well knows that I am loud to begin with - and the confrontation will usually result in tears, either right then or behind closed doors.

During these confrontations, words are all over my brain, struggling to come out in a cohesive thought because the emotions are turning them all around. Like a weird confrontational verbal dyslexia. Over the years, I've realized that I have to walk away from the conversation and collect my thoughts because I don't want to have my points and arguments be lost in my red-faced wild gestures.

By writing down my thoughts and emotions, I have the opportunity to craft each and every thought because they never, ever, come out that perfectly in the heat of the moment. In my head, I have so many perfect fights, conversations, witty comebacks. Hell, I'm wittier on GChat than I am in real life and that IS real time. Something about seeing the words on a screen. A well placed "fuck" in writing packs so much more punch than in the middle of a knockdown, drag out fight.

I think my savior is paper. Or, just a word processing program. The place where I can get everything down, in order. I need a repository for the bits of wild streaming statements, questions and exclamations that fly through my brain like ticker tape. The thought that immediately follows these brief moments of clarity is "Wow. I should write that down."

So, now I am going to write them down. As many as I can, as often as I can. I could spout mumbo jumbo about writing being my therapy. Maybe it will be. Maybe I'll end up writing something meaningful. Maybe I'll be the only one to ever read it. Maybe one day I'll actually re-read what I have written and it will help me through a tough situation. Or just remind me I've been there, done that.

Even though some of these thoughts should be shared with the people who have inspired (or rather, provoked) them, at least I'll have some peace in getting my feelings down in writing. I don't know if the act of documenting these thoughts will legitimize them or make me sounds like a madwoman. I'm not sure it matters.

My husband runs to clear his head. I think I'll clear mine out by writing down years of internal dialogue that has been collecting in every corner of my brain.

Hopefully, it will make room for a revelation.

I need one of those.